A MAN was left crying in the street after he was forced to repeatedly pleasure a German nymphomaniac.
"I met her on a bus... She invited me back here. Oh God, it was hell. I can't walk. Please help me," he told Munich police when they found him in tears outside her apartment after the 36-hour episode.
The Daily Mail reports the man only escaped her apartment after the woman fell asleep.
The same 47-year-old woman was arrested in April after she picked up 43-year-old craftsman Dieter Schultz.
Munich Police issued a statement confirming that they met at a pub at 1.30pm.
According to an online translator, the statement said: "The woman took the new acquaintance in her apartment. There came the repeated act of love.."
The statement said the man tried to leave, but the woman would not let him.
When he called police for help, Schultz claimed she was trying to "kill me with sex".
The woman reportedly tried to seduce the two arresting officers with a "quickie" - who politely declined.
When you see the pictures below, you will understand why they want our cell phones through the x-ray machine.
Cell phone GUNS have arrived. Beneath the digital phone face is a .22 caliber handgun capable of firing four rounds in rapid succession -- using the standard telephone keypad. European law enforcement officials are stunned by the discovery of these deadly decoys.
Only when you have one in your hand do you realize that they are heavier than a regular cell phone..
Be patient -- If security asks to look at your cell phone OR turn it on to show that it works. They have a good reason! Wake up to our NEW WORLD!!
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone
rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African. A
future 'Bok for sure.'
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to
how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already
weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer,
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: 'Had him
circumcised, boet'.
One method is to buy petrol in bulk and save it in your garage, bathtub, and various containers around the house. Then, sell it to other motorists every time the price goes up. But this is hazardous, and not what I’m suggesting.
Maybe we should first look at the reasons for the ever increasing price of fuel. Being slightly dof when it comes to gobbledegook, I was unable to decipher the following explanation from one of the newspapers:
“During the northern hemisphere winter, diesel traded at a premium of more than 20% to petrol, but during spring that narrowed and petrol moved above diesel on March 26.”
“The other factor to be borne in mind is that the oil rig count was 1,318 when Baker Hughes US Oil production increased the shortfall in Saudi Arabia due to the sanctions against Iran. So, during the peak northern hemisphere driving season, which lasts until early September, some two million barrels per day of Iranian crude oil has to be sold on the international markets.”
You see? That certainly explains it!
But now, let’s get down to our petrol saving strategy – hereafter referred to as the “PLAN.”
The way you drive affects how often you have to fill up. If you cut your average speed from 120 kph to around 80 kph, you will burn about 25% less petrol. (This works especially well in 60 kph zones.)
Driving smoothly, with as little sudden acceleration or braking as possible, evens out fuel use and improves the efficiency of your car’s engine – a saving of at least 15%. So don’t apply the brakes when taxis swerves in front of you – a slight collision can save petrol. Just make sure that your insurance is paid up.
Lighten the load. Remove that heavy roof rack, bike rack, your golf clubs, mountain climbing gear, crate full of beer, and bowling kit, from the boot. (Kindly ask your obese mother-in-law to vacate the back seat.) The heavier your car is, the more fuel it uses. Eliminating extra weight can easily save you 13% on fuel.
Check the tyre pressure. Correctly aligned wheels, with tyres kept at the correct pressure, will save you a further 17% on that scary fuel bill. (After hitting a pothole, have the alignment checked. Yes, this does mean daily.)
How about a lift club? Even if you share with just two other members, you will save 66% on petrol expenses. (Each paying 33% of the fuel costs.)
For the truly brave, (or seriously psychotic), try using a taxi during the week when going to work. Make sure your medical, insurance, and rent is paid up. Ensure that your last will and testament is in safe hands. Do not wear jewellery, leave your wallet and mobile phone at home, and try to arrange to have a police convoy riding as back-up behind your taxi. (Wear a bullet proof vest and chastity belt, if possible.) If you survive this death defying means of commuting for a month, you could cut your fuel bill by 45%.
Avoid excessive idling. Tests have found that by avoiding excessive idling you can save up to 19% on fuel consumption. It is suggested that if you are stopped for longer than 30 seconds, to shut down the engine. This wreaks havoc on the starter motor; but who cares? We’re trying to save petrol, right?
Make sure your petrol cap fits securely and that it can be locked. With the cost of petrol now on par with the price of Johnny Blue, special precautions have to be taken to secure the contents of the fuel tank. So lock up as securely as your local pub.
Air Cons use power from the engine – so keep it switched off. Driving with the windows open adds to wind resistance – keep them closed at all times. Drink plenty of water and wear light clothes – this prevents heat stroke.
Now let’s see what we’ve got!
Adding up the percentages of savings that we have discussed, you will find that in theory, we can actually save up to 200% on petrol costs!
So here’s the PLAN: First, get yourself good fire insurance coverage. Then, drain the excess fuel (the 200% which you have saved) from your fuel tank every time it gets full. Store the petrol in your garage, bathtub, and various containers around the house. Then, sell it to other …….
Just shoot me!
Those of you who have had this procedure will understand!!!!
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominantly male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Check this out... all aluminum Willys Coupe! It's amazing what you can do with an English rolling wheel, sheet metal brake and a lot of knowledge. No, he is not going to paint it.....love the flames! (Look closely.)
Walt Austin’s aluminum Willys coupe at Jim Hume's shop south of Bellingham Wash.
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged R5.99 for the first 10 words and R1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can ex pect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the n ex t two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
In a new initiative to advance racial integration in South Africa , the ANC government has proposed a bill to Parliament which states that all Angus Buchan's Mighty Men conferences must be representative of the population of South Africa .
The proposal includes legislation that will force the sellers of these tickets to first sell 70% of all tickets to native Africans, before any tickets may be sold to whites / settlers.
Mrs Beauty Kumalo, Chairperson of Africans for Jesus, has commended the initiative by the ANC government.
"Too long real South Africans (blacks) have been excluded from having the same privileges as the whites in serving our Lord Jesus Christ from Nazareth (now relocated to heaven).
Apartheid has given the white man better churches, Bibles and theologians which gives them an unfair advantage of reaching heaven. We require equal rights for all Christians.
We are tired of the racist white man trying to keep us out of heaven."
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"A refreshing and upbeat monthly review of the automotive industry, from A to Z.
Written and presented in a clear, crisp, anecdotal style, imparting information to the busy automotive executive in easily digestible bytes; What you need to know, and not necessarily what you want to know!"
